![]() ![]() To paraphrase US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when expounding on how to identify pornography in 1964, you’ll know it when you see it. If you’ve ever had a father (or currently are one), you don’t need me to explain a Dad Joke. For most of his life (or at least as long as I knew him), he was a huge advocate and gleeful teller of Dad Jokes. But more importantly, we knew it would’ve made our dad laugh. “He died as he lived,” we’d say, nodding meaningfully. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. He died of an enlarged heart, and when the news spread in our neighborhood, well-meaning friends and acquaintances would walk up to my brother and me and tell us, “Your dad died as he lived, with a big heart.” It never failed to annoy us. ![]() If someone handed me a candy heart that read “Push Thru,” I would commit arson.This is a story about one of my favorite dad jokes. I would have preferred “Leave Your Job and Move to France.”Ībsolutely not. As is, this phrase feels sarcastic, and I do not need my candy mocking me. Had this been written as “Way 2 Go,” I would have ranked it higher. Perhaps a fun new way to tell someone you have COVID. Imagine dumping out a box of candy hearts only to find that every single one of them reads “Good Job.” I’d feel threatened, not encouraged. Now we’re spelling out the word you? I need consistency in my candy messages. I am mostly unmoved by this message, though I will award extra points for including 4. Wouldn’t u love to receive this from ur Valentine post-coitus?Ĭrush what? This piece of candy? Don’t tempt me … Sweethearts could have gone with “U da Best” or “Ur the Best” or even just “The Best.” Instead, we were gifted “Youda Best,” which I can only read with my strong, native Wisconsin accent. However, I love this little guy because it comes with an implied backstory. This is perhaps my most controversial take. Love a simple, straight-up compliment like the hearts that say “Babe” or “Cutie Pie.” Candy hearts are at their best when they’re telling me I’m pretty. Especially if paired with a candy heart that says “Wink Wink.” This is the best new addition to the lineup solely because it could be interpreted as horny. I’m surprised one of the 16 new phrases isn’t “Hope This Finds You Well.” Without further ado, here are the new candy hearts’ phrases for this Valentine’s Day, ranked from best to worst. Many of this year’s “words of encouragement” read like exhausted email greetings. (In addition to its candy hearts, Necco was best known for those wafer candies that tasted like crunchy dust.) However, after being bought by Spangler Candy, the Sweethearts we all know and love (or love to hate) came back last year. They are, in my expert opinion, bad.Īs you might recall, we were without the official conversation heart candies for a couple of years after parent company Necco went out of business. This year’s theme: words of encouragement. Sweethearts, those chalky heart-shaped candies, recently announced the new candy-heart messages for Valentine’s Day 2022. The time to express our affection in confectionery form is here.
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